Monday, 18 January 2016

I'm Nothing but His Toy

I've been doing a lot of writing on this blog about why the past few months were so difficult for me. But this is, by far, the most significant thing that happened to me. While I'd like to say this is something that is 'over and done with,', I can't: This is still something I'm dealing with. I'm actually nervous to share this post so publicly because I'm scared of the responses I'll receive. Please try  to understand.

Fall semester was supposed to be amazing. I was going to hang out in all my favorite places with all my favorite people. But instead, it ended with me afraid to leave my room and almost completely isolated. My perfect semester was interrupted by him.

I don't know if he likes me or is obsessed with me, but regardless, I find he likes to be in my company. Often, without my knowledge. He's walked behind me and followed me home. Sometimes, he sees me approaching my apartment building, sprints to the entrance and waits for me to enter. Once, from the window of my apartment, I saw him waiting outside the building, waiting for me at 8 pm: the time I usually came home that day. Thank God I was already safely inside. He learns my habits very quickly, and suddenly appears in places I never use to see him, watching me like a hawk. He stares at me, keeping an eye on me even in crowded situations. He copies my movements. He hangs around my friends so instead of being with them, I sit alone. He embarrasses me in front of friends, suggesting that I'm in love with him and should go on a date him. One time, he mentioned the color hair clip I wore each day of the week, despite the fact I only saw him twice during that week. He walks around the halls of my university. He has successfully isolated me from many people I once hung out with.

On one of the last days of the semester, I broke down while studying at the library. I found an empty women's bathroom on a deserted floor and locked myself in, sobbing in fear that any minute he would come and find me in the library. I had left my apartment early that morning, praying he wouldn't be up yet. I didn't even eat at all because I was afraid to go to the school cafeteria, where he had watched me eat breakfast just days earlier. This man drove me to be hysterically crying in a public bathroom. 

I've asked for help from people I thought I could count on. I didn't ask for miracles, but just to watch out for me, but got mixed responses. Mostly 'Elizabeth, you're over reacting.' Sometimes, people even laughed and said it was cute that 'he has a crush on [me].' Some people told me to stop coming around all together, because he can't bother me if I stay home. I got a lot of suggestions that it is my fault- despite the fact I've never been friendly to this man, let alone seduce him. The only solution I saw last year was to isolate myself, and even that stopped working when he began to hang out around my school more often. Even the police, who were called by my mother that day I broke, told me there's not much help they can give because he hasn't threatened me.

I don't want him to get in trouble. I just want him to stop.

I'm anxious. I'm scared. I'm embarrassed. I feel totally abandoned. I'm ashamed. I feel guilty, like it's my fault. I cannot visit my old favorite places without feeling sad and alone; I'm lost. I've lost hope. My confidence is completely shattered.

I'm nothing

I'm nothing but a toy for some man to play with. People I thought I could trust told me this. And I have no right to be upset by this, because obviously, it is my fault. It's always my fault.


Wednesday, 13 January 2016

When Classes Begin

I haven't really known what to post about. Life is a little dull at the moment. I've been home from school for a few weeks, and go back next week when classes begin. I've done very little over the break besides rest, and even then I just don't feel rested. Somehow, everything recently is an effort.
I don't feel particularly bad, yet I don't feel good either. I'd be quite satisfied to have another week to lie around and do nothing, but I realize I'm truly pushing my limits on 'rest.'

In October I developed a nasty cough that would last well into November. The end of November and most of December was very stressful, and I had a significant increase in pain and fatigue. No doubt, my body is begging for a rest. Yet, I don't seem to be giving it the rest it craves. Recently, I've experienced a lot of vertigo, headaches and other odd symptoms that make it clear that I am not 100% yet. The doctor explained those symptoms are from inner ear inflammation, probably from a viral illness. Though I don't recall having a recent onset of a viral illness, I'm willing to bet whatever caused my cough lingered for a long time.

Honestly, I just wish I had energy. I feel sick and tired, but at this point I've felt sick and tired for so long it seems normal and I just have to push on feeling this way. I'm even beginning to nap during the day- something I've never done unless I was very ill. I use to love long walks and trips to the store with my mum, but now I just want to sit in the car and wait for mum to do the shopping. Sometimes I envy babies who enjoy shopping trips from their strollers- I want to enjoy the change of scenery from the comfort of my seat.

Last semester, I isolated myself when walking became increasingly exhausting and painful. And I have my fears about going back to classes. This semester, most of my fears stem from not having the energy to get my work done. I also fear that the vertigo will not go away by the time I need it to- my major requires me to build product prototypes, and I'm afraid I will experience sudden vertigo while using construction tools such as a band saw. I nearly fell over last night brushing my teeth, and I'm picturing the same scenario but with a drill in my hand. But also, I fear feeling isolated again.

Classes are supposed to be a joy- it's there that I learn what I love and get to be with my friends. But lately, I just wonder how exhausted I will be at the end of it. Especially considering I'm still exhausted from last semester.