If there is one thing I know, it's how to worry. I worry about if Arthur will affect more joints, if he will flare, if inflammation is anywhere other than my joints, if the Enbrel is working, if the Enbrel is hurting. There are so many more thoughts that swirl around my head at the oddest of times. Usually when my mind is needed elsewhere do the most serious worries come, and when the saddest worries come I'm usually in the least appropriate place to cry. And don't get me started on the thoughts that come when I'm trying to fall asleep.
I've been reading a lot lately to try and distract myself: it seems the only time when I'm safe from the clutches of worry. In fact, yesterday I started and finished a 550 page book. Alright, it helps that it was a book I was dying to read and that I'm a speed reader. But the point is, it was nice to have something else taking up my mind rather than all the worry. I feel like as a young person, I should only be worrying about things young people worry about rather than health problems. But I get to carry the burden of both and so do thousands of other teens and young adults all over the world with chronic illnesses. It's honestly no fair- as many others have said before me, and many others will say after.
I guess this is my way of telling you that things aren't as great as they could be. I'm not flaring and the Enbrel is doing fine, but other things are coming up. The worst thing about it all is that we're not sure what's going on and we really don't have the answers yet. A lot of worry goes into what I already know, but when you don't know everything it leads to worrisome curiosity. A select few family and friends who know what's going on have told me to try not to worry much about the situations at hand, but how can't I worry about something going on in my own body? Maybe if it was their body I wouldn't worry so much and just nonchalantly tell them "try not to worry," but I highly doubt I would actually do that.
I can't offer much advice on dealing with the worry of having a chronic illness. I really wish I did. I think it's healthy that we worry though. Maybe it doesn't do much for our health, but it's a natural human emotion. I think it would be unhealthy not to feel worry- it would be like we didn't care about ourselves. Our worries are not complex- they are very basic at the root. We dont really worry that something can not be fixed- We worry about being in pain. We worry about being kept from achieving our goals. We worry about being alone. In fact, I could go on. But I won't. We all have our worries: It's up to us to figure out why they're there.